Iwona I spent another minute trying to get along with the Egyptian. We both spoke English, but he completely did not understand what I meant. In the end I discovered that if we are to communicate, I have to say differently. When I finally began to say sentences in a tone: Ay andeRstand wuot yu aR tokinG tu mi – on the face of my interlocutor there was relief and a smile. I started to speak his language.
Don’t you feel that your marriage sometimes works the same way? Are you saying hint, and on the other hand there is no response? Or one you didn’t expect?
And really these age-old problems such as forgetting about anniversaries, insufficient frequency of speaking, I love you and handing flowers, surprising after many years of relationship, and even not twisting toothpaste most likely comes from the fact that we do not know … the language of our half! And if we really want to communicate, build a bond and be satisfied with it, we have no choice but to learn a foreign language – the one the other person speaks. How does it look in practice?
– You never tell me I love you!
– I said 20 years ago when we got married and I haven’t changed my mind so far.
Sounds an old joke. Although…. Are you sure so old? Imagine that you are a psychotherapist in whose office there is a skirmish over the arguments of marriage that is a step away from divorce. Who’s right here? Is she exaggerating, is he really the churl he looks like?
I would say today that the matter is as follows: he should know how to show her love and she will discover how he shows her that he loves her.
Another version of this battle sounds like this:
– You never tell me I love you!
– How is that ?! I work so that you don’t miss anything, I take care of our finances, I bring children to training five times a week, I bought a bigger car for us and you say I don’t love you ?!
Don’t talk to me now
Language is not just words. I know several languages, but sometimes to get along with other people, I need to either pull something out of each of them and make specific Esperanto, or to base on gestures, facial expressions, puns! This is language. And the bond with other people is built largely by means of language without words, and by means of touch, care (with an infant), help, smile, action, gifts.
My husband often tells me that he loves me, but if he did it less often, I would not blame. I remember the day when I felt extremely loved. It was when he washed my motorcycle so completely from himself. Funny isn’t it? I didn’t know a few things about myself then.
According to experts in the field of interpersonal communication, the marriage of Fred and Anna Kendall, each of us uses up to seven different languages of love. Apparently one or two are dominant, and the Kendall even named them. From here, I discovered which of them is dominant in me, and which others are equally active in my life.
Throughout this motorcycle story, I was amazed that my husband did it completely selflessly – which in marriage always raises suspicion! … because my dominant language of communication is the language of Mover – not only action counts for me, but above all the motives for this action.
Washing my motorcycle was a great gift for me (I like my bike at all, but I hate washing it) because my second language is Producer’s language and Producer likes to give presents completely selflessly and to receive them – completely selflessly – but they must be personal, thoughtful.
Like Mover with Contemplator
– And what, do you like this dinner?
– It is okay. – There is no worse statement for a Mover type with Doer and Producer elements – for a balanced Contemplator who sits in my husband, such a comment is completely in place! Doer does and needs approval, honest praise – then he does even better.
If you have a contemplative partner, don’t be surprised that you can sit in the same room for three hours without saying a word to each other. While Mover will eventually deal with boredom or begin to ask questions, drill a hole in the soul of man, Contemplator is just spending a great time with his other half! He doesn’t have to say a word – it’s enough to be close. That’s how he shows his love.
If I had known earlier what I know now, I would not have been so often disappointed with gifts that do not correspond to my preferences. And finally, I would know the answer to the question: why do I delve so much? And when everyone raves about the generosity of a neighbor, I want to know WHY what guided him. For the same reason, it annoys me to do something for a show that contradicts what is being proclaimed, and no one should blame me for inventing this, what someone else finally does!
What’s interesting, what language of love do you speak = you use it in relation to others, you expect the same language of love from others in relation to yourself. And here is the creak.
If I am a person for whom words, assurances count and I find someone who speaks little and love is expressed by doing ordinary things, we may not meet; I will be sorry, he will remain underappreciated.
How to get along?
Knowledge of how we are helps on many levels; in this way you can figure out the boss, mother-in-law, siblings, child, but this ignorance unfortunately takes its toll on marriages. Sometimes two people come to the conclusion that they do so much for another person, so they sacrifice themselves, and they meet the wall. Others feel misunderstood or disregarded. After some time, it turns out that they have nothing … to say.
But knowing what language a loved one speaks is not enough – if you really love him/her, you need to learn him/her language, „jump” in him/her way of receiving the world, and that’s how to respond = that is how to love him/her. This seems to be the hardest part of it all.
We are happy to find out what type we are; what pleases us, makes us happy, annoys us and how to satisfy us. But you don’t want to put your effort into getting to know even your spouse – and this is a real fun!
As soon as I discovered the Contemplator in my husband, I immediately – like Mover – wanted to move into action and show him love. And it turned out that to show love to the Contemplator one should … just leave him alone, do not disturb. Isn’t that great news ?!
True love speaks in a universal language that everyone understands. (Arnold Toynbee)
No language is worse than the other, and their knowledge is not used to manipulate people or criticize them – on the contrary! All the languages of love we use are needed because … they build relationships, convey love and free us to even greater love for our loved ones!
5 minutes to divorce
„You always, you never”, „I do so much for you”, „She doesn’t understand me”, „It is better not to say anything” – these accusations are endless. Finally a decision is made: it’s time to divorce. Reason? Incoherence of characters. It doesn’t have to be this way.
People say that marriage will become ordinary over time (but not to be ordinary, after all, a honeymoon doesn’t last even a month!) And is getting worse over the years. How is it possible that I see in my (10 years) the opposite? You can somehow reach the end and receive a medal from the president for a golden anniversary for this golden wedding, but you can also take matters into your own hands, so decide that you want to fill this life with content, truly live it.
This really requires one decision: getting off the ego, switching the main reflector to common actions aimed at growth, building a relationship, constantly getting to know each other and listening to each other and yourself.
Since I have been receiving information about subsequent divorces recently, even in Christian families, which should be a light and a signpost for the world, I will delve into the topic of relationships from the backstage – from the soul, psychology, and the mysterious, foreign names of the languages of love will be successively explained: – )
You can now read the marriage books of Fred and Anna Kendall.
Can you recognize in yourself and others what languages of love you speak? Does it work for you?
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